A professor from Stanford (Fred Luskin) who did his research in really difficult group situations (war torn Ireland for example), wrote a book called Forgive for Good.
His main thesis (which makes a ton of sense to me and has become my lens these past few years) is that we all have what he calls Unenforceable Rules, and when these rules are not met we get upset, disappointed, angry, hurt (call it what you want).
He suggests, and I agree, that the route to clearing the emotional air when it gets polluted is to recognize some unenforceable rule we have about how others “should” behave and go on from there. Often we don’t stop to think about or recognize what are own rules might be.
Examining our rules, because we all have so many of them, is a worthwhile lesson.
Wondering how to identify these rules?
When I get upset about anything the first question I ask myself is what unenforceable rule is being broken?
I make the rules so I can change them!
I can create them so that I’m happier and healthier and not in angst so much. It’s really quite profound and puts us in a state of empowerment (which of course is different than control).
Throughout your day each time you feel upset about something stop and ask yourself “What unenforceable rule of mine is being broken?”
Do not judge yourself, simply ask the question and see what information comes your way.
What will this do?
- It will keep you in the present.
- It will give you many insights and your level of self awareness will skyrocket.
- It will make you laugh. Don’t take yourself too seriously because I can guarantee you that some of your rules are really quite funny.
- It will help you feel better and help you make sense of so many of your emotions. It’s the key to emotional and spiritual health.
It’s also a VERY useful lens and tool to use in all your relationships, not just the one you have with yourself.
Let me know how YOUR Rule Research goes.
All the best of health to you!
shelli
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